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The Warcraft Adventures of Kwaj and Twenz
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The Warcraft Adventures of Kwaj and Twenz
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Tenz
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Post The Warcraft Adventures of Kwaj and Twenz Reply with quote
**Extreme Saddo Warning: Nerdy Shite Contained Within**

Intro to an occasional and possibly short-lived series:

Due to a series of strange events, including a frank exchange of views in which WoW was described as cheesy, juvenile and not fun, Kraj and Tenz have decided to return to Warcraft in order to prove that cheesy and juvenile are in fact quite a lot of fun.

Or possibly not. This may be a very bad idea.

Server Choice: The Sha’tar coz Tenz thought it sounded a bit like The Shitter and that’s the level we are aiming at here. It’s also a Roleplay server which significantly reduces the amount of random dickhead WoW players we will encounter. RP servers have some issues though, especially if you hang out in Goldshire, but its fine as long as you don’t engage with any of the strange naked people hanging around in bushes.

Race choice: for juvenile cheese reasons, and to reinforce a stereotype, it simply has to be two female Night Elves. Having to play the oppressive and fascist Alliance instead of our usual honourable and noble Horde leaves a nasty taste but the cheese is important.

Class choice: Hunter and Priest... for now. The last time we did this we changed characters 3 times in the first ten minutes and then changed again about 40 minutes after that. It’s complicated. Well, it isn’t complicated but we seem to make it complicated. Tenz rolled a Night Elf Hunter for maximum cheese. Also, female Nelf + Leather and Chain = phwoaarjizzinmypants! Well not really but again, stereotypes. Kraj rolled a dress-wearing finger-wiggling Priest, probably going for the Night Elf nurse thing. Works for me!

As we intend to be two-manning… er two-girling a lot of dungeons, and they hurt, we need tank, heals and dps. Neo refuses to play with us so we’ll call the Hunter pet ProxyNeo and have it tank. The plan is for the Hunter to heal the pet and do DPS, Kwaj goes Shadow Priest for dps and off heals on the pet. We’ll see how well this little fantasy lasts down the road. Don’t be surprised if there is a re-roll to a proper tank around level 40.

Teldrassil – Night Elf starter area

The Burning Legion has returned! Azeroth is in peril! Kwaj and Twenz are here to help!

Eager to start saving the world Twenz and Kwaj log in ready to start kicking arse! An hour and a half later Kwaj and Twenz log in again having finally managed to update all of their out of date mods.

So what’s the mandatory thing to do when rolling a new Night Elf girlie?





That’s right; we took our clothes off and hit /dance!

Although this is an RP server, and by Goldshire standards this type of thing is merely considered an opening gambit prior to asking for money to roleplay dirty to someone, this felt really weird and a bit sordid and we agreed we would never do it again.

The fascist Alliance boss-dude in charge of Shadowglen had us massacre a number of helpless wildcats then some boars and then some more cats. Living in harmony with nature seems to involve killing quite a lot of it. We then had to go kill and rob some poor refugees. These sad demon immigrants were living in extreme poverty with nothing but a few scraps of cloth to take shelter under but the intolerant Alliance still sent us to steal the bags of these poor wretches.

Eh, a job is a job and my tiger was hungry anyway so we tore through them like French riot police at a Calais refugee camp. We then had to pick some flowers, get a threesome going with a local nymph to clear out some spiders in a cave then kill the boss spider at the end.

We were then sent to gather some special water from a nearby Moonwell; revered by the local druids, this was an ancient and sacred place full of spiritually infused holy water…


HOT TUB PARTY TIME!




Yup, less than 5 minutes after saying we would never do that again, we did it again. And it felt goooood!

We visited the big-ass boss Nelf at the top of a big-ass tree, jumped off the top of the big-ass tree and finally got the fuck out of the starter area. Being in agreement that the Elf continent sucks monkey balls our intrepid duo jumped a ride to Darnassus (Nelf city), negotiated with some sailors to earn passage on a boat to Stormwind (Human city). Captain Sense-of-Direction (Tenz) got lost in Stormwind trying to find the flight master but we eventually found him, girded our loins and made our way to… Goldshire.



Twenz negotiates passage to Stormwind.


Kwaj and Twenz will almost certainly probably return in the next episode: Goldshire part 1 "SNORKERS!".

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It's 106 miles to Naum, we've got a Skyguard, a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and the gunner's wearing sunglasses
Wed Feb 01, 2017 6:30 pm View user's profile Send private message
Carter
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Post Reply with quote
Love it chaps, can't wait for more!

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Oi may be from the West Coutry but i'm not a hobbit, a pirate or a farmer me old shagger
Wed Feb 01, 2017 7:10 pm View user's profile Send private message
Neonin
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Post Reply with quote
It's the Adventures of Faggit and Tart!

I'm still not playing
Wed Feb 01, 2017 9:43 pm View user's profile Send private message
Tenz
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Post Reply with quote
Neonin wrote:


I'm still not playing


Doesn't matter, as we had to replace you with Blizzards dumass pet AI every time it fucks up it's your fault

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It's 106 miles to Naum, we've got a Skyguard, a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and the gunner's wearing sunglasses
Thu Feb 02, 2017 3:47 pm View user's profile Send private message
Tenz
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Goldshire Part 1


Our intrepid duo approached the Lion’s Pride Inn to pick up some quests. A handful of high level Erotic Role Players (ERP, it’s a real thing) were lurking outside ready to go ‘full emo’ on anyone foolish enough to interact with them.

“Remember” said Tenz “Keep your head down, run straight through, don’t make eye contact and above all DO NOT ENGAGE!”

We hurried through to the forge and managed not to get accosted by any randy naked gnomes, only to have the blacksmith make a rather personal remark:





You have no idea mate.

Anyway, the brutal and corrupt Alliance rulers in Goldshire sent us to evict a peaceful band of kobolds from the local gold mine. We were also to steal their hard-earned gold dust and their candles. More than one helpless kobold cowered in fear and declared “You no take candle!”. Obviously we replied with “YES WE TAKE CANDLE” as we bashed their heads in. It’s kind of mandatory.

Sent to help out the local band of in-bred Alliance hillbillies Kwaj and Twenz were told they had to kill Princess the pig for some reason neither of us was really paying attention to.





“That is a seriously big pile of pork” said Kwaj. “That’s what your mom said!” replied Twenz. “Charge” said Kwaj and ran at the boar, “Ooh herbs!” said Twenz and ran off to a nearby bush.

Having successfully carried out the important task of harvesting some peacebloom, Twenz went to help out the nearly-but-not-quite-dead-yet Kwaj with the giant snorker. By bravely standing a long way off and sending the pet in to eat its face off, Twenz killed the porker and saved the day. Kwaj may have helped a bit. Frankly, at this point ProxyNeo is out-damaging the pair of us by quite a margin.

Trying to track down a stolen necklace for one of the locals we were faced with a snot nosed little brat called Billy who wanted a pie before he would tell us where it was. Twenz had an awesome idea but Kwaj pointed out that selling Billy as a rent boy to the ERP crowd at the inn would breach the Terms of Service and get him smacked with the banhammer. Kwaj offered Billy a sniff of her pie but he was a bit too young to be interested and so we had to get him a proper one.





Having been fed and then threatened by Twenz, Billy duly grassed up Goldtooth, one of the local kobolds, as having stolen the necklace. We attempted to negotiate with Goldtooth but then he made a fatal mistake:





ProxyNeo ate his face off and the necklace was recovered, returned and our heroes rewarded and sent off to the other end of the zone.

In the next episode:
- Our mob gets ninja'd by The Man
- Kraj makes an unexpected departure
- A big-ass spider makes a fatal mistake
- Something very strange is afoot in the forests of Goldshire

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It's 106 miles to Naum, we've got a Skyguard, a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and the gunner's wearing sunglasses
Thu Feb 02, 2017 3:59 pm View user's profile Send private message
Kraj
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Post Reply with quote
Neonin wrote:
It's the Adventures of Faggit and Tart!

I'm still not playing


Persistence always beats resistance...

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Krey you fuck n00b!

Thu Feb 02, 2017 5:57 pm View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Tiger313
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Post Reply with quote
Bahaha @ "I was in Naum man!"

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Fri Feb 03, 2017 6:34 pm View user's profile Send private message
Carter
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Post Reply with quote
This is great, esxcept for making me sub again bastards!

_________________
"OH NO! A BOURGEOIS BIG-BOLLOCKED BOILER!!!!! THATS ALL I NEED", Conker The Squirrel, 2001
www.raspberrypi.org
Oi may be from the West Coutry but i'm not a hobbit, a pirate or a farmer me old shagger
Sat Feb 04, 2017 5:08 pm View user's profile Send private message
Neonin
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Post Reply with quote
Whaddaya know, it worked!

Just not on the right person
Sat Feb 04, 2017 7:41 pm View user's profile Send private message
Carter
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Post Reply with quote
Neonin wrote:
Whaddaya know, it worked!

Just not on the right person




_________________
"OH NO! A BOURGEOIS BIG-BOLLOCKED BOILER!!!!! THATS ALL I NEED", Conker The Squirrel, 2001
www.raspberrypi.org
Oi may be from the West Coutry but i'm not a hobbit, a pirate or a farmer me old shagger
Sat Feb 04, 2017 9:30 pm View user's profile Send private message
FreedomShot
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Post Reply with quote
Nooooo don't do it!!!

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Tenz
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Post Reply with quote
Episode 3: Goldshire part 2

The Alliance was so impressed with the efficiency in which we earlier dispatched some helpless kobolds that they sent us to steal another gold mine from some hard working miners. On the way Kwaj was molested by some of the local wildlife... actually, quite a lot of the local wildlife.




Nice pull mate!

This started a bit of a trend where non-hostile wildlife would attack Kwaj for no reason. Twenz originally thought this was Kwaj suffering a tab-targetting malfunction but on several occasions actually witnessed Kwaj attacking a hostile mob only to have something else just run up and start humping her leg. Weird, right?

Anyway, we arrived at the mine, massacred the kobolds, took their candles, shouted YES WE TAKE CANDLES a lot (it really is mandatory).





We then ran into a rather large spider at the back of the mine called Mother Fang. Twenz being a hunter fancied grabbing this as a pet and was about to begin negotiations when it made a fatal mistake:





Nothing to do at that point but have ProxyNeo eat its face off.

Next up was collecting a bounty on the wanted outlaw Hogger. He was wanted by the local authorities for sedition and terrorism. Apparently he had been asking the question "Why are the Alliance such a bunch of bastards to us?" and was therefore due for some re-education in Stormwind stockade. We figured we would just kill it and grab some megga phat l00tz! ... er sorry about that, it's a WoW side effect.

Anyway, we went to the area where Hogger was last seen and proceeded to massacre a large number of peaceful river gnolls until we found him. Kwaj wiggled her fingers at him, Twenz bravely stood at the back and ProxyNeo ate his face off until he surrendered. Twenz was just about to valiantly finish off the helpless prisoner when some dick of a mage turned up with a General from Stormwind and The Man took Hogger, and our bloody loot, into custody.




Twenz was less than impressed.

Since we had still captured the turd we figured we were due the reward at least so back to the inn, naked gnomes avoided, talk to the guy, hand in quest, get reward, off to next location. Simples, right? Well, no.

Some background; Kraj calls Tenz 'Captain Sense-of-Direction' because I could get us lost in a garden shed. Tenz calls Kraj 'Captain Observant' because Kraj is unlikely to have realised we were in a garden shed until Tenz points out we are lost in one. If I ever do one of these for Guild Wars 2 I'll relate the "is there a merchant in this town" story. Anyway...

So we pitch up at the local head Stormtrooper to collect our reward. There are two options, we want the top one. Guess which one Captain Observant clicked on first?




Tenz: where the fuck are you going dude?
Kraj: ... ... I have no idea....

Kwaj ended up miles away at the other end of the zone, had to run back to the head Stormtrooper and then to add insult to injury the head Stormtrooper then sent us back to where Kwaj just came from for the next quest.



Arrow = Twenz, white dot = Kwaj

Our task at the logging camp was to find two missing soldiers. We figured we would go ask at the local Murloc Village if they had seen them. Sadly, during our conversation, one of the local Murlocs made a fatal mistake by saying "that's a nice pint you have there Kwaj!" and Kwaj subsequently murderized the entire village.





We found the body of one of the soldiers a bit further South and a note on the corpse pointed us back to the village we had just left. By the time we got back there the Murlocs had repopulated it, so we had ProxyNeo depopulate it all over again and then we finally found the wounded soldier.





Sadly Kwaj was out of mana from massacring helpless Murloc villagers and was unable to fix the broken Stormtrooper.

At this point Twenz noticed something very wrong with the local wildlife:




Kraj suggested inserting a Lucage joke here but the author feels that would not suit the serious nature of this discourse.

All this slaying of helpless peasantry meant we both dinged level 10 and unlocked our specialisation trees. Kwaj chose Shadow Priest and Twenz chose Beast Master. At this point Twenz asked Kwaj to remind him in the first dungeon that his pet can be put into tank stance. You just know how that one is going to end don't you?

Here endeth our adventures in Goldshire.

Next episode starts Westfall in which:

- Handkerchiefs get stolen
- Twenz buys an orphan
- Kwaj gets real friendly with the King of Stormwind

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It's 106 miles to Naum, we've got a Skyguard, a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and the gunner's wearing sunglasses
Sun Feb 05, 2017 7:36 am View user's profile Send private message
Neonin
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Post Reply with quote
ProxyNeo on tank can only end the same way Neo as tank does... badly.

Much more fun to read about than play
Sun Feb 05, 2017 3:44 pm View user's profile Send private message
mdk
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Post Reply with quote
Always enjoyed early levelling in WoW. :D

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Mon Feb 06, 2017 10:28 am View user's profile Send private message
Tenz
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Just a quick note to say we haven't given up on this already, although that wouldn't be the first time, but Kwaj buggered off to France last week and is spending this week throwing himself off a Swiss mountain attached to a pair of planks.

Insufficient dedication to the cause I reckon

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It's 106 miles to Naum, we've got a Skyguard, a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and the gunner's wearing sunglasses
Tue Feb 14, 2017 3:43 pm View user's profile Send private message
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